by Ross Bullen
Keep an eye out for job postings into the usual places: the Chronicle of Higher Education, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden in the Vatican library. Pay particular focus on jobs located close to the Tigris and Euphrates rivers when you look at the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads written in Sumerian cuneiform is going into the “definitely apply” pile. Same goes for any job that gives to pay you in livestock, grain, or small trinkets that are golden. For you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name of the school 666 times if you’re not sure if a job is right. If the mirror begins to bleed, you’re definitely in the right track.
List all of the goods that are worldlygrain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you would certainly be prepared to sacrifice in order to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it might probably concern,” throw it in to the Dead Sea, and get willing to have fun with the waiting game.
Get up every and check the Academic Jobs Wiki morning. Then check to see when your bathtub is filled with blood. If it’s, congratulations! This means the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. Utilising the Babylonian urn you buried under the chair’s office as a portal through the netherworld to this plane of existence, he’s got infiltrated the campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you will definitely watch seven crows fall through the sky and land in a perfect circle, which can be an indicator that you have been offered a job interview (you will even receive a message about this). Read more “How exactly to Apply For an Academic Job and Also Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu”